It Gets Better

part six

I twist the ring between my fingers, the smooth spotted bluestone soothing against my skin and my nerves. I do this without thinking

I've done so many things but nothing is as great as standing where people have been standing for thousands of years. I can't cry with everyone around so I stem the flow and wish I could stand at Stonehenge under the stars. I can't believe it’s simply something that humans have done and then ruined because we ruin everything. Everything hurts me and I feel different from everyone else but I know it will get better, because I bet they all feel the same way and that hurts even more. I don't think I'll forget but I'm worried that I won't remember that this is really happening.

Standing before Stonehenge and trying not to cry because it's too much to take in even though I've been there an hour and really, it's just some upright slabs of stone, but it's too much to think about. It's a Moment, just like my first glimpse of Russia at 1:30 am through windows of the Solarium.

There were other moments, but I think about Stonehenge every morning when I put on my necklace I bought in the gift shop after I finally managed to rip myself away from it. It was simple and cheap, only a bluestone ring on a short silver chain, but I wear it every day and I think about it when I get nervous or stressed. I twist the ring around my middle finger, a new habit I've picked up these last few months, and I even have nightmares of it shattering. Twisting it only helps so much; it's never quite enough to calm me down.